Wednesday, 29 June 2016
(SATIRE) “Everybody is stupid” claims Sargon of Akkad
Sargon of Akkad, the self-styled Semitic Emperor of the Akkadain Empire, turned moderately-successful YouTuber, has abandoned informed and rational debate in favour of calling everybody an idiot.
Adopting an exasperated rhetorical style of inquiry that is favoured by the parents of five year old children, the usurper to the throne of King Ur-Zababa of Kish asked his critics: “Are you all stupid?”
“Sargon demanded that I tell him whether I was 'fucking stupid', indicating his belief that I have ascended to a higher tier of stupidity than is normal,” said Brenda O'Neill, whose speculation on whether the Brexit has set the United Kingdom on a downward course of diminishing wealth and international influence, earned herself the ire of the hipster-bearded captor of the Sumerian King, Lugal-zage-si.
Architect, Tim Otter, was singled out as a “total moron” by the agitated despoiler of the city of Kazalla, after quoting from Lincoln's “A house divided...” speech in his Twitter feed, in a manner that was dismissive of the 'leave' campaign in the EU referendum.
“Having prefaced his counter-argument with some personal insults concerning my perceived low level of intelligence, Sargon made some very vague and uninformed comments about putting up supporting walls. It was not clear to me whether he was describing a metaphorical house, or an actual house that he is in the process of building. As a precaution I advise that you do not employ this man to design your home, as it is likely to fall down.”
Responding to Otter, Sargon, the self-anointed priest of the sky father Anu, said: “At least I will be sovereign master over my own mound of British rubble.”
German professor of German, Kyle Youngstedt, has been following Sargon at the 100 metre distance specified in his restraining order (German rationalism has been proven to have a maximum range of 80 metres, even when the wind is favourable). He told MODE 5:
“Just as our treacherous bodies willingly take in carbon monoxide that prevents our blood from absorbing oxygen, so too does our burgeoning hubris reduce our capacity for common sense and good judgement. Sargon's decline began with a sexual slur against a pubic figure that was, in a way, reminiscent of the kind of drunken face-saving one does in the company of friends at the pub, after being shut down by an attractive woman.
“He may have hoped that the attention this poor choice of words garnered him on social media would broaden his appeal beyond YouTube. In reality all that he did was alienate people outside of his immediate circle who might have previously listened to him, but who have now dismissed him as a crank and have closed the door.
“Here we see a man who, by virtue of his own enhanced twattery in front of his mates, has somehow managed to lock himself inside his own home.”
Self-confessed Sargon fan and resident of Stevenage, Kevin Davey, said:
“Sargon is a master tactician who plans to increase his popularity further by securing an appearance as a guest on his own rolling YouTube compilation show 'A Week In Stupid,' which is a bit like 'Gogglebox' crossed with 'You've Been Framed'. The channel has a lot of viewers so being featured on it, and subjected to his own world-weary diatribe, is bound to increase his profile.”
Lapsed Sargon supporter and ardent Steely Dan fanatic, Dr Colin Wu, took a more pessimistic view:
“For years Sargon has been harvesting salt. It is my considered medical opinion that his long term exposure to it has turned his once superfine mind to corned beef.”
Commenting on his critics, the Mesopotamian despot, whose latter reign was devoted to brutally quashing the rebellious uprisings of kingdoms who had fallen under his undemocratic, iron-fisted rule, said:
“I wouldn't rape any of you.”