(SATIRE) Gawker's financial future may depend on Denton sex tape

The future of the online media conglomerate, Gawker, could hinge upon an amateur sex video made by senior editorial staff at the company. The drastic solution to the company's financial woes follows a ruling by a Florida court, who judged that Gawker had invaded the wrestler, Hulk Hogan's, privacy when it posted a sex tape that had been filmed without his knowledge. The website was ordered to pay $115million in damages. This sum was later increased by a further $25million in punitive damages.

According to an unnamed source at Gawker:

“[Gawker Founder] Nick Denton held a meeting today to discuss Gawker's future. Basically everybody you hate from the internet was together in one room at the same time. All those hours you spent playing Hitman games and you missed your shot guys. Well done.

“Anyway, Denton told everyone that the only way the company is going to survive is if senior editorial staff make an amateur sex tape. Once finished the plan is to burn it onto a DVD and then leave it outside Hulk Hogan's house, where he will hopefully find it and put it online.

“Gawker can then counter-sue Hogan for the money he won last week. Denton believes that this will bring about a fair and balanced outcome to the case.”

A source who claims to have seen the hastily-filmed sex tape told MODE 5:

“It begins with Denton and that effete, waistcoat-wearing fop, Nathan Grayson, who looks even more like a Victorian pervert than normal, cruising the suburbs in a people carrier. Jason Schreier, who is also with them, periodically leans out of one of the passenger windows and asks lone women if they want to party, and of course nobody does.

“Eventually they encounter [Former Gawker editor] A.J. Daulerio who is looking for an easy way to pay off his student loan. At this point the action moves to Gawker HQ, which appears to be a motel room.

“After that any semblance of plot goes out the window and it's a good old-fashioned, no-holds-barred sausage bang – it's more or less Batman Vs Superman with lower quality special effects and less intentional lens flare. The video budget apparently didn't stretch to lube so its very authentic. Lots of grimacing. Some guy from Lifehacker teaches Sam Biddle a new way of plugging his holes. Kotaku writer and alleged former lover of Zoe Quinn, Nathan Grayson, is assured that girls don't have to be your sexual partners. Girls are over.

“At one point Denton asks everybody to stop what they are doing while he makes sure that they are definitely not being filmed. A lawyer hands him a signed affidavit confirming that no cameras are recording the event and the gang bang resumes. It's very artistic.”

A spokesperson for Gawker said:

“Nick expects to have this unfortunate Hogan business sorted by the end of the week. After that Gawker can return to servicing journalism the only way it knows how: By trawling the blackest depths of the internet for sex tapes of five year old celebrities, and posting amateur footage of crying drunk girls being sexually molested in bars.” 

(SATIRE) Panic as GamerGate finalises plan to save its progress

( SavePoint: A Discussion on the Gaming Community will take place in Austin, Texas on Tuesday, March 15, 2016, between 3:30pm and 4:30pm. More details can be found here: http://schedule.sxsw.com/2016/events/event_PP57734 )

Following 20 months of frenetic, unsecured gameplay, and conspicuous popcorn consumption, GamerGate has finally revealed plans to save its progress.

The save point will be the Texas-based SxSW server, with the upload taking place on Tuesday, 15th March.

Explaining the long-delayed move to back up its data, a spokesperson for GamerGate told MODE 5:

“To be honest we've been too caught up in the moment to think about saving. On any given day you could have found us building our 7-figure combo against Gawker Media, causing the company to repeatedly eject showers of gold coins. Or perhaps rescuing an eight year old damsel in distress from a marauding transsexual paedophile, intent on harvesting crotch shots to share with their equally unsavoury online buddies. Or we might have been nimbly ducking under the wild, misguided swings of 'Big Plaid', which is what we are calling Anita Sarkeesian now. Or we could have been timing our jumps to avoid being knocked off balance by the earth tremors that ensue whenever the ape-like Randi Harper pummels the ground with her enormous meaty fists.

“So far, it's been a wild wide and we kind of forgot about backing anything up. Plus we are playing on the highest difficulty setting which limits the number of saves you can have.”

Gamergate every-woman and future Olympian, Vivian James, took time out from her punishing Battletoads training schedule to acknowledge GamerGate's L33T status, but questioned whether a save was needed at this point, given the level of resistance:

“I put our runaway success down to the low quality opponents we have faced so far, the piss poor enemy A.I, and the predictable, glitchy boss battles. To wit, when the countdown reaches zero in the Zoe Quinn time trial, the clock resets itself, rendering the whole exercise moot. You would have thought they would have pulled their fingers out and fixed that by now.”

James continued:

“The only areas where we have performed poorly are those where the game deliberately cheats in order to win. The boss battle with Zoe Quinn takes the form of a text adventure where the options most likely to secure victory are crossed through and greyed-out, and can't be clicked upon. The player is left with no option other than to select unfavourable actions, such as donating 90% of their salary to fund Quinn's undocumented anti-harrassment work, or submitting to her legal team's request for a gagging order.

“The battle with Anita Sarkeesian is an unplayable cutscene that you can't interact with, where she always emerges as the victor.

“Other parts of the game are inaccessible. So far I have been unable to play the Brianna Wu level, because it hasn't been ported to the PC yet.

“Sometimes I get so bored I drag some of my fellow shitlords into a big multiplayer battle. To outsiders, it might look like our community has turned against itself, but really we're just rough-housing and blowing off a little steam.”

The announcement from GamerGate caused alarm on the financial markets with Victims Bucks falling sharply against the Pound and the Euro at the close of trading, and Twitter shares taking another predictable tumble into the abyss.

Meanwhile, popcorn companies have claimed a record surge in sales, with the manufacturers of Butterkist reporting that staff at all levels of the company are being encouraged to make popcorn in their spare time, at home, in order to keep pace with the public demand for the product.

The run up to SavePoint has been met with outcry from the rag-tag band of blue-haired women with underactive thyroids, and cowed bearded men, that comprise the social justice movement.

“Didn't we kill GamerGate in October 2014. Srs/ly why are they not dead? #ClearlyPlayingInCheatmode,” wailed HearMeRar_45.

“It would be poetic justice if we killed GamerGate right before they saved,” vented John Nonyce.

“Saving progress is harASSMENt,” raged GodHelpTheGamerGrrrl, on Twitter.

MODE5 witnessed one protestor holding up a sign that read “GamerGate is hitting me. Pls donate,” while vigorously punching herself with her spare hand.

Another unidentified activist was overheard speculating on whether the memory card containing GamerGate's saved progress could be snatched and doused in a mug full of male tears, in the hope of irrevocably corrupting the data.

One leading anti-GamerGate figure claimed to have used her influence to divert a Texas-bound flight, containing the Breitbart reporter and leading black lives matter activist, Milo Yiannopoulos, to Anchorage, Alaska. 

She told MODE5:

“I think that banning the individuals associated with GamerGate from openly debating with supporters and dissenters in a public forum would be a very good way of starting a conversation regarding online harassment. Since that won't happen I would like to assure anyone who is triggered by the prospect of the hour-long panel, that there will be a safe space nearby where you can pet the dog from Nintendo's Duck Hunt. We have dyed his fur blue for the occasion. Just look for the almost empty room with the blue dog in it.”

The SavePoint panel is seen by many as a further blow to the authoritarian social justice movement who are on the backslide as awareness of their beliefs and activities grows among the general public. 

The SJW division tasked with overhauling videogaming has recently lost key figures. Among them, the grand dame of gaming journalism, Leigh Alexander, who, last year, was last exiled into deep space by her employers, and who recently saved over her own progress by accident. Faced with starting again from scratch with no equipment, save for a wooden stick and a boiled leather breastplate, Alexander elected to retire from the industry.

However, others continue to battle on: Magenta-haired goblin, Penny Dreadful, said:

“What is absolutely galling to me, is that GamerGate have leveled-up five times today without even trying. Meanwhile I am still struggling to reach level 2. I of course blame the patriarchy.”

Dreadful then stamped her foot so hard that she splintered the floorboards, causing one of her legs to become trapped.  

(SATIRE) BREAKING NEWS! Anita Sarkeesian harassed online by Rasputin, Billy the Kid and Blackbeard the Pirate!

Videogaming expert and world-renowned historian, Anita Sarkeesian, was subjected to an onslaught of vicious online abuse from some of the most evil men in history.

This is according to Feminist Frequency – the internet-based organisation founded and run by Sarkeesian.

The website, which analyses the portrayal of women in popular culture, claims that during early March, 2016, Sarkeesian became the target of an orchestrated campaign of harassment, waged primarily over the social media platform Twitter. Her tormentors have been identified as the gunfighter and bandit, Henry McCarty (aka Billy the Kid), the pirate, Edward Teach (better known as Blackbeard) and Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, described in a song by Boney M as “Russia's greatest love machine.”

The harassment is thought to be a response to Sarkeesian's plan to abandon a long delayed and drawn-out series of short films, exploring sexist tropes in videogaming, and to instead focus on a new set of videos that will spotlight successful women who were sidelined by history. Feminist Frequency is currently in the process of raising $200,000 from public donations to ensure that these new films meet the high production standards of the website's previous output.

A spokeshistorian for the site told MODE5:

“What Anita endured went beyond mere trolling. These are wicked men, afraid that our films, which celibrate the achievements of strong successful women in history, will undermine and diminish their own notoriety. They are prepared to go to any lengths to silence us.

“In one tweet Blackbeard threatened to slice Anita from bow to stern with his hooked hand! Billy the Kid made a veiled threat regarding who would be quicker on the draw, perpetuating the trope of the white male lone gunman. Rasputin sent a series of tweets in Russian that we were unable to understand, but can assume, from his gender, were abusive.

“We request that our supporters donate to our fundraiser as a matter of urgency so that we can meet, or better still, exceed our target of $200,000. We believe that if can raise this sum of money these violent and unpleasant trolls will be shamed into silence.”

The spokeshistorian added:

“The way things are going at the moment, it can only be a matter of time before Hitler, Professor Moriaty and Darth Vader send us similar threatening messages.”

At the time of going to press none of the accused men could be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the FBI said: “Given that Blackbeard, Billy The Kid, and Rasputin died violently in 1718, 1881, and 1916, respectively, we do not consider these threats to be credible.” 

(SATIRE) Retired actress, Emma Watson, unveils “great alternatives to pornography”

Stock footage of railway locomotives entering tunnels and rockets blasting off into space are viable alternatives to hardcore pornography, including, but not limited to, energetic face-sitting, gallons of gracefully-arcing cum, and overweight amateur couples copulating with the same lumpen grace and indifferent vigour as lions humping on the sun-baked plains of the Serengeti. This is according to retired actress Emma Watson.

Addressing the part of the United Nations that isn't busy clearing minefields in war zones or administering life-saving vaccinations, the star of Noah and The Bling Ring said:

“We should be creating lots of awesome, great alternatives to pornography.”

The young performer, who recently played the role of the Reverend Iris in an episode of The Vicar of Dibley, plans to set an example by taking a 12 month break from acting.

A sorcerer close to Watson said:

“Emma feels the same passion for acting that a lot of people harbour for masturbation. Giving up stage and screen for a year is a great sacrifice on her part and shows how serious she is about changing what gets us off sexually.”

The activities that appear on the UN shortlist of what has been termed 'Pornography Plus' range from shadow puppetry, to rope craft, to making seashell collages.

A press release from the UN said:

“We are producing a range of anthropomorphic bone china cat ornaments, dressed up as a variety of different professionals, such as firefighter, doctor, and I.T support worker. When you successfully resist the urge to view pornography you can reward yourself by going out and purchasing one of these charming statuettes. We can see you building up quite a collection!”

Reformed porn connoisseur, Kevin Forbes, recently took advantage of the Watson challenge, exchanging a life of feckless, unfettered wanking for the cloistered hobby of brass rubbing. He told MODE 5:

“These days when I rub one out, what I am actually doing is laying down a long sheet of paper on the cold floor of a church vestry, and giving a two-dimensional likeness of St Marjorie of Bath a good going-over with a metallic crayon.”

Regarding the brass of St Marjorie, Forbes added:

“You can tell from the folds of her robe that she must have had a really hot body. Before they put her eyes out and burned her at the stake, I mean. I would love to have consensual sexual intercourse with her, in the missionary position, for the sole purpose of procreation.”

Others who have renounced pornography have found an alternative release in spirited supersoaker water fights or obsessive cello playing.

“My music teacher is amazed by how quickly I have progressed with the instrument,” says former self-confessed 'four hours a day girl' Jackie Roche.

Stay at home mum, Hannah Burrell, told MODE 5:

“Emma Watson is brilliant. I have filled the void left in my life by the removal of anything remotely pornographic, by sitting on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle, and embroidering the names of the twelve disciples of Jesus onto handkerchiefs that I sell to the local Christian bookshop.

“While I am doing this I like to imagine one of them taking me roughly from behind and maybe pulling my hair a little, while Jesus watches us doing it.”

As part of Watson's arousal reform program, the UN will issue everyone in the European Union over the age of 12 with a temperance quilt that is designed to smother any carnal desires, and which can double as a portable safe space if pulled over the head.

A spokesperson for the UN said: “From a young age children will be strongly encouraged to keep their legs crossed and their hands outside the quilt at all times.”

The proposed UN measures have drawn both support and condemnation. Human Resources Manager, Hilary Wilson, said:

“Pornography is sexist and objectifies women as vessels for sexual pleasure, denigrating them to a pair of boobs and a vagina, and frequently re-purposing their other bodily orifices as supplementary pleasure holes. I don't need pictures and video clips to get off. All I need is my five-speed dildo.”

Others, such as unrepentant 18 year old onanist, Jim Cooke, remain unmoved:

“If Emma Watson wants my pornography she can pry it from my cold dead hand and, believe me, I've developed quite a grip. Actually, if she wanted to wrestle me for my porn that would be pretty hot.”

Cooke then excused himself from interview, informing our reporter that he needed some time alone.

MODE 5 approached Feminist Frequency autocrat, Anita Sarkeesian, for comment, but was told that she was indisposed, attempting to catch a glimpse of Batmans' arse in the recently-released Arkham City videogame.

“It's become an obsession for her, like proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster,” said a spokesperson.