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MODE 5 would like to
thank the J.J Abrams Collection for the lens flare used in this
image.
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The
Alexander Offworld Space Probe has finally left our solar system,
according to relieved scientists.
Launched
in March, 2015, on a mission “to boldly go”, the probe's proposed
9 billion mile journey to the fringes of our planetary system and
beyond, was lengthened considerably after a sensor error created a
blurred double-image of the planet Mercury that the onboard software
mistook for Saturn. Following a correction to its course, the
spacecraft undertook an erratic meandering trajectory while sending
back streams of mostly incoherent data, liberally peppered with
insults and threats to the livelihoods of those who were working in
mission control.
The
malfunctions are thought to have been caused by a leak in the alcohol
reactor that powers the Probe. A spokesperson for the International
Association of Space Probes and Telescopes (IASPT) told MODE 5 that
the engine is able to generate additional fuel by siphoning-off
gaseous elements from planets and combining these with its own
methane-based exhaust fumes to create “a passable Chardonnay.”
They
added:
“The
probe has been an avid consumer of its own fuel to the extent that it
has fundamentally altered the chemistry of Jupiter's atmosphere.
Head of
the IASPT, Felix Mosley said:
“The
time frame of the Alexander mission has been further extended, beyond
all of our budgetary expectations, by a navigation error caused by
the probe expurgating any record of Mars from its charts, after
declaring the planet 'a warrior patriarch that oppresses Venus.'
“At this
time Alexander broadcast a message that read: 'Mars doesn't have to
be a habitat for life. Mars is dead.'
“I would
like to take this opportunity to reiterate that the Alexander Probe
has no knowledge or understanding of the complex Martian environment,
or any unique scientific insight into the planet's ability to sustain
life, either at present, or at any time during the past.
“Unfortunately
members of the public who lack scientific knowledge have taken these
statements made by Alexander as definitive and are demanding that
lines in the David Bowie song Life On Mars are
digitally altered to reflect the perceived barren nature of the red
planet.”
Mosely
added:
“During
the first few months of its mission the Alexander Probe refused to
accept any software upgrades written by male employees of the IASPT,
unless these workers were at the pinnacle of their profession and
were willing to provide their services for free. This resulted in
numerous component failures and mishaps, which have also served to
prolong the mission.”
The
Alexander Offworld Probe's journey through the solar system has been
fraught with drama with accusations of bullying levelled at it by
other space probes, telescopes and communications satellites.
MODE 5 can
report that the space probe 'Shocking Blue' was left so traumatised
by its encounter with Alexander that it returned prematurely from a
mission to analyse the Venusian atmosphere. It has since resigned its
position at the IASPT and is now employed as an air conditioning unit
in New Mexico.
Alexander
also spent a month grinding up against the Hubble Space Telescope in
a reported effort to protect the universe from “the male gaze of
its operators.”
Nathan
Leeming, one of a team of scientists who built the Probe, recalls the
troubled development process:
“In
hindsight it was unprofessional of us to celebrate the invention of
an alcohol-powered reactor, capable of synthesising its own fuel, by
getting really drunk at the lab. At some point in the evening it
seemed like a top notch idea to assemble a space probe from the
various empty bottles and wine boxes we had lying around the place.
“No
sooner had we booted the operating system than it began to insult the
scientists who were working on its components, calling them out as
nerds, issuing vaguely racist proclamations, and employing its
built-in megaphone to announce to anyone within earshot that the
space program was dead.
“I awoke
in bed the following afternoon with the Alexander Offworld Space Probe dribbling tepid
coolant down my bare shoulder.”
Richard
Shirmer, who according to onlookers drunkenly climbed atop a lab
bench and pronounced himself 'Head of Development' for the Alexander
Probe, before accidentally setting fire to his trouser leg with a
Bunsen burner, has since described the project as “an
embarrassment”:
“The
components contained within the Alexander Offworld Space Probe
represent a technological misstep whose existence on earth seemed
likely to impede the possibly of our organisation obtaining any
funding in the future, and stood to alienate the public from
supporting further space exploration. Having created it, our only
option was to send it so far into space that no one would ever hear
from it again.”
The move to send the probe into space at the earliest opportunity was supported by a kickstarter campaign in early 2015.
Astronaut,
Lewis Bredin, recalls the launch:
“We
literally opened the airlock of the International Space Station,
kicked the Alexander Probe out into space and then sealed the door
before it could claw its way back inside. In space no one can hear
your scream, but it turns out that an objectionable space probe
bellowing 'Silly astronauts. I am the solar system' can be
heard for miles.”
The
Alexander Probe carries onboard a message to other star-faring
civilisations, penned by a self-proclaimed paedophile and a small
group of useful idiots, many of whom are undisclosed members of
organisations who are vehemently opposed to space exploration.
“We hope
that the Alexander Offworld Probe will spread its garbled message of
misdirected anger and bellowed threats to other distant, galaxies,
far, far away from Earth. As long as it doesn't come back,” said
Mosley.
He added:
“We are
all keeping our fingers crossed that our universe isn't circular.”
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