Saturday, 26 September 2015

(SATIRE) The UN rallies to protect world's most vulnerable women from Eritrean war widow

Senafe, Eritrea (2003) Photo by backwards7

Following ugly scenes of online carnage, which saw ordinarily-innocuous capital letters sharpened into improvised weapons capable of inflicting actual physical harm, the United Nations has vowed to step up its protection for a group of women who have been identified by self-styled experts as among the most vulnerable in world.

In a powerful testimonial given to the UN assembly earlier this week, the persecuted women, most of whom are well-heeled, white Americans, unburdened themselves before a rapt audience who were largely absorbed by the contents of their mobile phones.

During the hour-long presentation the victims of oppression described how they had borne the brunt of a tsunami of cyberviolence so serious that it was on a par with the most grievous acts of physical violence. This included so-called “peer-to-peer groping” (attempts by other internet users to engage them in debate) and “comment rape” (open disagreement with their opinions) via social media.

Summing up the event, one of the speakers told the assembled world press:

When harassers willfully deploy rational arguments that effectively demolish the lazily-assembled, self-serving hotch-potch of barely-formed ideas that comprise our collective mindset, they are literally engaging in an attempt to erase our voices from the internet. For too long the actions of these shitlord apostates have been tacitly sanctioned by those in charge of our online spaces.

As one of a small band of women recognised by the UN as being among the most oppressed of my gender, I insist that we are granted moderator powers over the internet as a whole. In line with the current female incarnation of the Marvel superhero, Thor, we demand literal IP ban hammers that will allow us to to tackle cyberviolence quickly, and without recourse to established checks and balances.”

The address before the UN came a day before fresh skirmishes (described by one of the victims as “a literal one-sided rape war”) erupted on Twitter between the UN delegation and their supporters, and an Eritrean women who writes a blog and posts on Twitter under the name - Senafe_Fighter.

In a post highly critical of the UN and its priorities in regard to ensuring the safety of women worldwide, Senafe_Fighter wrote:

I lived the first 21 years of my life under Ethiopian occupation. When I was 11 years old, soldiers loyal to the Mengistu regime came to the cafe that was owned by my parents. They took away my father and my uncle. Years later we learned that they had been executed for aiding the resistance movement. They were strangled to save bullets.

When I was 13 I joined the EPLF (the Eritrean People's Liberation Front). I fought at Nakfa. My sister, who was also a fighter, lost her leg to a landmine. My younger sister and two brothers were killed in the fighting. I do not know what happened to my third brother. My first husband was captured and executed by Ethiopian forces.

After independence I settled in Senafe. In 2000 the town was attacked by soldiers from across the border. They destroyed every building. Because of a shortage of construction materials, three years later, we are still forced to live in tents. I was raped repeatedly in front of my husband. The injuries that I sustained during this prolonged attack required hospital treatment and have left me with long-term health problems.*

These over-privileged American women have elbowed their way to the front of a global debate and demanded that their voices be heard over and above the voices of the genuinely oppressed. By equating any verbal disagreement with their opinions with the most extreme manifestations of physical violence they have trivialised the very real violence that is inflicted upon women in my home country and which manifests itself in many different forms.

These women have never looked on helplessly as the blood pours from the mangled leg of a loved one, while field surgeons frantically attempt to cauterise the wound. They have never watched a man, his expression glazed-over in abject horror as if he has absorbed the collective atrocities of a thirty year war, vomit a viscous tide of red saliva, while with trembling hands, he instinctively attempts to gather the pieces of his lower jaw from between the stones at his feet that are slick with his blood. They have not seen the plains of their home nations strewn with the bleached bones of their kin and the rusting shells of tanks - the antiquated hand-me-down downs from decades-old western wars.

These dreadful women who are driven by material gain and a grotesquely proportioned sense of self-entitlement, are vile and disgusting human beings, who are either unwilling or unable to contemplate the experiences of their gender beyond the limited context of their own intellectually repressed, morally bankrupt social circles.”

The incendiary post has drawn outrage among online social justice communities and has seen its author bombarded with hate mail and death threats:

A wild troll appears...” remarked one commentator in a widely shared tweet, which shared a link to Senafe_Fighter's blog.

Ugh... so distressing, your internalised misogyny,” said another.

An internet user named 'Sister_I'm_a_Progressive131' posted an image of Star Trek's Captain Kirk, evidently in the throes of alien mind control, captioned “Must... resist... urge... to... feed... troll.”

Another wrote:

Don't tone police – You life (sic) in africa and have no idea what's its like in San Francisco.”

Some, emboldened by the UN's tough new stance against the perpetrators of cyberviolence, took a more proactive approach towards their tormentor. Among these was Doxed_Frodo who wrote:

Have acquired SF's real name. Have just direct messaged that if they don't delete their blog and apologise, I will post details.”

A minute later the same Twitter user posted a second tweet publishing the real name of Senafe_Fighter and her approximate location, before adding in a subsequent tweet:

Not doxing. Sharing information about a known harasser.”

Others have also joined the campaign to bring Senafe_Fighter to justice:

Am trying to contact they're (sic) place of work to notify them that they have a harasser working for them. They shoul d (sic) know,” said Tears_of_Riply.

Another commented:

She says in her blog that she's a shepherd. Does anybody have contact details for the Head Shepherd in Senafe?”

A brief statement issued to the press by the UN said that the organisation was aware of the offending blog post and would be meeting to discuss an appropriate response.

At the time of going to press Senafe_Fighter was unavailable for comment. A neighbour, who asked not to be identified, told MODE 5 that, following publication of the blogger's name online, government soldiers had entered her home and she had later been witnessed being led away to a nearby truck. This was subsequently observed being driven out of the town in the direction of Adi Keih, and leaving the main road shortly after.

The eye-witness added:

We found the remains of the smart phone that she used to make blog posts on our nation's snail-paced excuse for an internet, which is slower than conventional mail. We do not know where the soldiers took her. There are many unofficial prisons in this country. People here disappear all the time.”

* Although this is intended as a work of satirical fiction the experiences touched upon in these paragraphs and those that follow were relayed to me by male and female Eritreans who had either experienced these things directly, or had witnessed them happening to others.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

(SATIRE) The United Nations formally welcomes Quinnland as a member state

The United Nations has formally allied itself with the social justice movement and will devote its resources to tackling pressing global issues, such as man-spreading and poverty among rainbow-haired hipsters in the developed world.

This raft of measures follows the formal induction of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland and The Wutang Republic into the UN.

The move has been widely interpreted by seasoned observers as a last ditch attempt to raise the credibility of an organisation regarded by many as the C3P0 of global diplomacy:- good at translation but, in a fire fight, prone to shifting about awkwardly on the spot, like somebody fighting the urge to urinate, while hesitantly raising their hands in the air in a robotic expression of stilted panic.

When called upon to explain how three obscure countries had been allowed to jump the queue and join the United Nations ahead of better established nation states, UN delegate Niles Cromer said:

When an entitled, unemployed hipster living in San Francisco can't afford the rent on a penthouse with a decent view overlooking the bay, we have a responsibility to take a step back and ask ourselves what kind of world is it that we are building for our children.

Henceforth the pale blue helmets worn by UN personnel, serving in conflict zones across the world, should be regarded as the reinforced-Kevlar embodiment of the bright-blue dyed hair that is commonly worn by our civilian allies in the social justice movement.”

Asked to point to the locations of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland, and The Wutang Republic on a globe, Cromer responded:

While what I have been told about these countries by their leaders can, at times, appear to stretch plausibly, and wildly contradicts itself on an almost daily basis, I have been assured that these nations do exist in reality and are eligible for the generous grants that we have provided to fund soil irrigation and the construction of schools and hospitals.

Unfortunately, under the terms of a hastily drafted resolution, I am unable to disclose the exact locations of our newest members. As of this morning, revealing the whereabouts of these burgeoning nation states will be regarded by the UN as an unprovoked act of invasion - one that will result in offenders being put on trial for war crimes at The Hague.”

Cromer went on to acknowledge that the UN had committed itself to tackling many of the issues raised during a recent address given by a representative of Quinnland:

I can confirm that on the advice of Empress Zoe the 1st of Quinnland, the UN has pledged to eliminate the scourge of man-spreading. This wildfire social epidemic will be tackled on a nation by nation basis, starting with Syria.

Only the other day I was presented with a troubling photo image of a Syrian male who had used an improvised explosive device to spread parts of his body across a wide area, effectively rendering this public space inaccessible to other members of the civilian population. This antisocial behaviour simply has to stop.

Did you know that when a man splays his legs he occupies valuable space that could be used in the cultivation of bamboo – a staple in the diet of pandas. Men need to wake up and acknowledge the devastating impact their selfish actions are having upon dwindling panda numbers.”

Cromer also confirmed that the UN is working towards developing 'market friendly' solutions that will address a looming financial crisis known as 'Peak Patreon' where employable, upwardly-mobile individuals stop donating money to bone idle millennials. Economists have predicted that, were this doomsday scenario to occur, it would result in those who use Patreon to support themselves being forced into low-paid jobs with skill-sets graspable to those with degrees in Media Studies.

Former death row inmate turned financial correspondent, James Seth Lynch, told MODE 5:

While I generally regard myself as an ardent critic of the UN, I fully support any steps taken to ensure that those who currently rely on Patreon for an income are not allowed to contaminate the jobs market. It is imperative that we keep these socially corrosive individuals, who taint everything that they come into contact with, away from the service industry, where they are likely to shriek accusations of harassment every time a customer asks them for a coffee.”

A paradigm shift towards social justice?

The UN is just one of many large organisations to have adopted a more social justice orientated approach. In recent weeks the web media conglomerate, and aspiring conqueror of outer space, Google, has also attempted to strengthen ties with key figures within the SJW movement:

Company founder, Bradley Google Jr. told a press conference:

To our critics who say that this is a bad move for Google, may I point out that we are first and foremost a business: If the way that social justice warriors spend money is comparable in both scale and frequency to the amount of time and energy that they spend complaining about things, then I have secured this company's growth for the next decade. Courting this demographic was a no-brainer.

To make Google a more hospitable place for those who have embraced social justice will require a modicum of restructuring:

Google circles, which have been identified by biologists as among the few places on Earth were no life can flourish, will be terraformed from barren online wastelands into lush virtual gardens where the tenets of social justice can blossom in hermetically sealed safe spaces.

Furthermore, by incorporating trigger warnings into our search engine algorithms and then eliminating any problematic results, we can reduce the number of sites that come up in the average Google search from hundreds of thousands to the same two or three, saving our company billions of dollars in the process.”

MODE 5 has learned that social justice warriors who agree to the terms and conditions of services provided by Google, but who are later found to have breached these terms, will be allowed to retrospectively withdraw their consent and take the company to court for forcing them to agree in the first place.

Earlier this week a contingent of prize winning social justice warriors visited the Google Ideas Factory where they were informed of the changes that were being made by the company.

Google Creativity Supervisor, Anna Simmons, who gave the tour, told MODE 5:

Google's strong commitment to diversity means that it must willingly embrace the bad ideas alongside the good.

We have a corporate duty to celebrate the genius that has allowed our species to land a probe on a comet. Equally we must provide a platform to those who vilified the man responsible for this momentous scientific achievement because they felt threatened by the shirt that he was wearing.”

A Social Justice Spokes'ferson' who attended the tour, later blogged:

It may seem odd that anyone on the side of social justice would want anything to do with Google: Especially given the revelation that Zoe Quinn is effectively being stalked via a google alert that she set up to covertly monitor the online activities of her ex-boyfriend, or should I say 'boy-fiend?'

On the other hand I haven't worked a proper job since I discovered that people would pay me to sit around on my rapidly expanding beanbag of an arse all day ,while publishing the home addresses of my critics or instructing them without irony to set themselves on fire.

Since Google Plus is apparently already a thing, that spares us the exhausting effort of hectoring and browbeating the company into inventing it.”

Sunday, 20 September 2015

(SATIRE) A reading from Leaves of Salt - The Ancient Code of the Social Justice Warrior

A reading from Leaves of Salt – a collection of Edo-period Japanese writings that heavily influenced contemporary Social Justice Warrior culture – brought low by a bad microphone and my poor enunciation. Full text of the passage follows below the video.

An Edgelord violates Teineide Ashika's prize oxen deep in the Torigna Forest

They feasted for eight days. But on the ninth day the Shitlord, Teineide Ashika, who ruled in the lands to the east, where the plains meet with the horizon, and in the South where the great desert joins with the Yellow Ocean, said to his men:

Gather yourselves into a hunting party. Let it comprise my five greatest warriors whose names in syllables number 5,7,5,7,7.

The men battled for 20 days for the honour of joining the hunting party and to decide who among them, whose names in syllables numbered either five or seven, was the greatest warrior. And many were slain. And when, of the 800 men who had taken part in the battle, only five remained standing, they formed a hunting party.

They entered the Torigna Forest as a single column. At their lead rode the Shitlord Teineide Ashika. Following behind him were his five greatest generals who rode in battle formation, each according to the syllables of his name. And they did this in deference to the spirits of the trees who had specified as such in the terms and conditions for entering the forest.

The hunting party journeyed through the Torigna forest for three years but caught nothing. After the third year had passed and, with the rising of the sun, the first day of the new year had come into being, they entered into a wide clearing among the trees. At the centre of the clearing they saw a creature who stood upon its hind legs like a man, engaged in an act of sexual congress with a male oxen.

The oxen's fur had been dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry. And Teineide Ashika saw the brand that had been placed upon its body, which identified the beast as his property, and he knew the beast by name, and that it was 8 years of age, and he saw, hanging from the trees behind it, drying water colours painted on sheets of rice paper that depicted the oxen's exposed hind quarters, and its dangling reproductive parts that had once been used to measure the extent of his kingdom, which was over ten million semi-aroused oxen penises in length and girth.

And having seen all of this he drew his sword for he was of a singular purpose. And he spoke to the creature:

You who have defiled this oxen which is my property and who, either by whim or by perversion, you have dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry so that it might better resemble the women who dwell within this forest, and who have braided its pubic hair in knots that are known only to the inhabitants of this province, have stolen from the beast its honour. And for these crimes I will stand as your executioner.”

But as he raised his sword his second in command rushed forward and stayed his master's hand.

And Teineide Ashika spoke to him:

You who are among my number and who have pledged lifelong allegiance to my noble house have stilled my hand as it falls with singular purpose to reclaim lost honour. In acknowledgement of your naked treachery I will add your body to those of the slain and from here-on will rain down curses upon your family's name and they shall know no peace.”

But his second in command spoke:

Master, the man who you see before you, standing balls deep in oxen man-pussy, is an Edgelord. He is protected by the spirits of social justice who dwell within these woods and we may not harm him.”

Then the Edgelord spoke:

Know that I defiled your oxen before all the creatures of the forest and dyed its hair blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry so that it better resembled the women who dwell within these woods, and painted water colours of my carnal acts to share with my Edgelord friends and on 4chan. And know that I did this for the lulz and to bring great dishonour upon this oxen and his noble lineage. And know that, though my power level is below 8, you cannot harm me without angering the spirits who command this place.”

Then Teineide Ashika, having slain his second in command with a single stroke of his sword and re-sheaved the blade, turned to his remaining men and spoke:

Foul and contemptible though this creature that may be, there is no honour to be gained from standing as the author of its death.”

Then he spoke to the oxen: “I hereby discharge you from my service and from the service of those generations who follow after me. Henceforth you must wander this realm and pledge fealty to no master, and though you may seek retribution for the foul acts that have been committed against you, and may train your children in the arts of Ninjutsu, you must do so far from these lands for your presence here brings dishonour upon my noble house.”

And so the oxen left the forest and journeyed high into the mountains to where the peaks meet with the sky and was raised piece by piece by eagles, up into the clouds until all that remained of him was his breath and this became the east wind.

And the birds of the forest twittered the story of the Edgelord who in the brazen act of fucking an oxen had bested Teineide Ashika – who was mightiest of all the Shitlords.

But the spirit of the forests who favoured the Edgelord said to the loudest of these birds:

You shall not speak of what you saw to man or beast, or sing of it over the swaying grasslands, or in the dankest depths of the fuck caverns. And for your transgression you shall banished from this forest and may return only when the moon blossoms glisten with Autumn salt.”

Thursday, 17 September 2015

(SATIRE) Anglerfish admits to feelings of jealousy towards Josh McIntosh

A grotesque deep sea predator, that entices smaller fish within striking distance by means of a bio-luminescent lure, has admitted to feelings of jealousy towards Feminist Frequency puppet-master Josh 'my real name is Jon, please use it' McIntosh.

In a frank confession given from her temporary lair, somewhere in the unfathomable sunless gloom of the Atlantic Ocean, Anglerfish and occasional Guardian contributor, Jemima Pearson-Bolt, told MODE 5:

For centuries your species has laboured under the mistaken impression that the lure sprouting from our heads is purely a means of gaining the attention of passing dinner morsels in the all-you-can-eat buffet that is the Atlantic gulf stream.

In truth this was always just a short-term measure, comparable to working as a barista while you put yourself through drama college. As the ultimate predator in waiting, our actual intent was to loiter in the ocean doing as little work as possible while one of our more motivated piscine cousins crawled up onto dry land, evolved serviceable lungs and developed to a level where they were able to create advanced tools and found a thriving tech industry.

At this point we knew that they would find themselves helplessly captivated by our bio-luminescent lures and would shower us with generous grant money to fund research and development programs looking into possible commercial applications.

Once financially solvent our plan was to relocate to the bay area of San Francisco, where we would re-brand ourselves as BSD Coder Fish and idle around making games on Twine or holding angry, poorly attended seminars where we would take turns to rant about whale dominance in STEM fields.

You can only imagine our horror when a human upstart named Josh McIntosh co-opted out strategy and deployed his own non-bio-luminescent lure to snatch away an Intel grant worth hundreds of thousands of dollars from our gaping, gratuitously fanged maws.”

Despite the setback Person-Bolt praised McIntosh for his adoption of an Anglerfish mindset:

McIntosh evidently realised that nobody would listen to the dour radicalised outpourings of a wealthy white man with the puritanical temperament of Christmas thief, Oliver Cromwell, and a contemptuous facial expression that appears to be experiencing slow compression under the crushing gravity of its own disapproval. Using Anita Sarkeesian as a mouthpiece for his censorious opinions allowed him to draw a much larger audience to his cause.

"Considering that he has only been in the angling business for a few decades he has managed to create a very convincing lure – one that, at a cursory glance, assuredly mimics somebody with an interest in videogames."

Person-Bolt went on to applaud the Sarkeesian lure's “stilted range of facial expressions, her blank, almost painted-on eyes whose absence of humanity hints at latent shark-like tendencies, her emotionless rendition of pre-scripted dialogue, and plaid shirt, reminiscent of someone who has discovered the grunge scene during its waning arc and considers this appropriate attire for a Stone Temple Pilots show.”

A casual observer could easily be fooled by this pretence. Their eventual fate is be consumed by the composite that is Joshanita. Kudos to the pair of them.”

Fisherman Jason Coleman contacted MODE 5 warning gamers to steer clear of anglerfish, who he claims harbour designs on taking away our videogames:

Legend speaks of a horrifying sea creature that ascends from the black depths of the ocean, its passage to the surface lit by the dim glow of its own infernal lantern.

They want to take our games with them down to Davy Jones' locker which I understand is some kind of deep sea pawn shop where goods can either be exchanged for other products of commensurate value or traded in for cash.

Well, not on my watch: My XBOX One copy of North Atlantic Trawler Captain Simulator is the only thing keeping my mind off my hard life as a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Scotland.”

Coleman added:

I know the frame rate is better on the PS4 but I still prefer the XBOX version of the game.”

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

(SATIRE) 'I was a teenage Edgelord' legal defence set to overturn thousands of juvenile convictions

Criminals who can prove that they were acting as a boundary-pushing agent of chaos known as an 'Edgelord' when they committed their crimes will have their convictions quashed and will not be held accountable for their actions in any way.

The ruling comes after social justice advocate, Sarah Nyberg, successfully argued that disturbing comments that appeared to endorse paedophilia, logged during internet chat sessions, were made while she was acting as an Edgelord.

Legal pundit Gerald Spoilers told MODE 5:

The comments made by Sarah Nyberg were not a reflection of her true opinions, but were instead an attempt to test the boundaries of social and moral conventions and to garner shock value.

Like the character Tyler Durden in the film Fight Club, the Edgelord is an entirely fictional persona that can be worn like a suit of armour, but whose words and actions remain separate from those of their host body. Nyberg has since jettisoned her Edgelord persona and cannot be held accountable for any alleged wrong-doing perpetrated by this individual whose current whereabouts are unknown.”

When Spoiler was asked whether he too was a figment of Nyberg's vivid imagination, he responded:

I am unable to comment on my mooted status as an imaginary legal counsel. Whether I am a real or an imaginary person will be for the high court of Maryland to decide in 2016 when I will stand before a jury of my Narnian peers.”

The new legal precedent set by Nyberg's case will see thousands of trials extended to allow time for Edgelord pleas to be heard.

Among the first to use the defence will be Kyle Spier (17) who is facing calls for a double death penalty, and the prospect of being executed twice, for gunning down a family of six and for causing extensive damage to a business engaged in the practice of making donuts.

Initially I pleaded INsaNity which, on the advice of my team of lawyers, I insisted on spelling with three capital letters as an indicator of my fractured mental state,” Spier told a reporter for a rival news outlet.

I have since instructed my legal representation to incorporate the Nyberg defence into my 'not guilty' plea, which will see me tried in court as an Edgelord.

My brazen act of mass murder was an expression of my disdain for the nuclear family. If just one person reads about my wanton killing spree and takes a few moments out of their busy day to question whether the family unit really is the best fit for America in the 21st century, then my gun trolling will have been worthwhile. By driving a stolen, bullet-riddled, blood-splattered station wagon through the plate glass window of The Mayflower Donut Shoppe, while attempting to evade pursuing police, I was commenting on current tropes in law enforcement.”*

It is also likely that the Edgelord ruling will result in a slew of appeals from convicted criminals. The new legal precedent has already been greeted warmly by law firms keen to bolster their profits during the final quarter of 2015. Benjamin Hannah from the Philadelphia-based partnership Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, R. Hannah, Hannah and Karl said:

The fruits of Sarah Nyberg's finely-tuned legal mind will provide social justice to thousands who were wrongly labelled by the courts as depraved subhuman assholes.

I weep when I think of all the former Edgelords who were denied this simple line of defence at trial: The likes of Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden, Ted Bundy, the Edgelord Voldemort, and an invading race of skateboarding aliens known as The Edgelords, who were defeated by the superhero team The Avengers in a pitched battle in the skies above Paris last year. All were persecuted for the simple act of holding up a mirror up to our society by acting like the biggest douchebags imaginable.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind potential clients that one does not need to have been a teenager when engaged in Edgelord practices in order to use the Nyberg defence. All that they must do is prove that they were a teenager at heart when the offences took place.”

The Nyberg ruling is likely to come as a relief to Sarah's celebrity supporters who have publicly staked their reputations on her innocence in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary. One celebrity who did not wish to be named said:

When I was informed that Sarah Nyberg was not an unrepentant sexual predator, but had made her salacious comments about her eight-year old cousin while acting as an Edgelord, I immediately realised that this was the reason why I had leapt so vehemently to her defence without full knowledge of the facts.”

The race is now on to define Edgelords in a manner that is easily explainable to juries – a process known as the 'Law and Order SVU' test.

Professor Jonathan Ramsgate who writes extensively on legal issues told MODE 5:

Many, including myself, are convinced that Edgelords are an immature larval stage of the social justice warrior – an entity already enshrined in law as having legal immunity to the consequences of their actions and the tenets of rational argument, as well as being, to some extent, unconstrained by the immutable universal laws of physics and causality.”

The Edgelord ruling has drawn criticism from senior figures within the legal profession, among them the barrister Nicholas McKenzie who, upon being informed of the details of the precedent while in the shower, was heard to fling a half-empty bottle of conditioner at the tiled wall, before remarking “What in the name of cunting Christ is this arsery?”

While vigorously towelling himself off in his chambers, McKenzie added that the Nyberg defence marked the point where “our increasingly asinine legal system finally ascends into the unhallowed echelons of its own unwiped areshole, where-in singular acts of the highest bastardry conceivable to the human mind will be enacted on a hitherto unseen magnitude.”

A statement later issued by McKenzie's law firm, clarifying his earlier remarks, read:

'Mr McKenzie passionately believes that more needs to be done in legislative circles to distinguish those who are acting as Edgelords from those who are defined in law as trolls, douchebags, fucktards, imbeciles and wankers. Mr McKenzie feels that at the moment there is too much similarity and overlap between these disparate legal entities and that further steps should be taken to clear up any confusion.'

* Kyle Spier has since been acquitted of all charges. The FBI has released a photofit of an Edgelord wanted in connection to the killings and the desecration of a much-loved Donut shop (the latter currently being described by the U.S. media as 'our Cecil the Lion moment').

He is described as wearing a leather trench coat, dark glasses and brandishing a wicked-ass katana.

Agent Kaufman of the FBI told MODE 5:

We have been notified that this individual routinely carries on his person a bitchin' cybernetic energy cannon that clamps onto his wrist like one of Iron man's gloves. Given the unpredictable nature of this felon and his predisposition towards extreme behaviour we are advising members of the public not to approach him but to instead contact their nearest SWAT team.

Friday, 11 September 2015

(SATIRE) Large-breasted women cited by Social Justice Warriors as a major cause of misogyny in videogamers

Proponents of social justice have vowed to strike a blow against sexism by purging all large-breasted women from videogames. The campaign follows the publication of a study that revealed the sight of amply-bosomed females, either participating in videogaming, or portrayed as characters in games, elicited increased misogynist responses from observers.

In a series of experiments participants were asked to watched large-breasted women playing a modified version of Star Wars Battlefront 2, which featured busty playable and non-playable female characters.

A control group watched overweight, bare-chested men, who had developed man-boobs or 'moobs', play through Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon, which was voted Least Erotic Game of 2001.

The man behind the study, Professor Adams, told MODE 5:

I wanted to test a theory dating to the time of Archimedes of Syracuse: This speculates that breasts above a certain size will exert a gravitic pull on the male gaze, which is effectively drawn into a binary orbit from which it cannot easily escape.

Archimedes only had a stick, a short length of string and the shadows cast by the harsh Mediterranean sun to work with, whereas we had the advantage of access to actual breasts and the finest diagnostic equipment a £38 per month Patreon fund can buy. That Archimedes' results so closely mirrored our own findings is an astonishing testimony to the genius of the ancient Greeks.”

Fellow social scientists have expressed concerns over the methodology of Adam's study which has left many of those who took part feeling deeply traumatised:

Self-styled Social Justice Crusader, Alan Avinger, said: “Prior to my participation in the Breast Incitement Index Study I used the term 'progressive stack' in its proper context to describe the social mechanism that allows the voices of marginalised groups and individuals to be heard.

After watching Alice – a large-breasted, 23 year old, engineering graduate who runs her own company and already has six patents to her name – guiding a busty Ewok, clad in a bright-pink, D-cup bra, around the forest moon of Endor, I was horrified to find myself using 'progressive stack' to lasciviously describe a womyn's chest, while also expressing a strong sexual desire to be on top of it.”

Avinger reported that, upon returning to his apartment, he immediately locked his life-size cardboard standees of Star Trek: The Next Generation characters, Counselor Deanna Troi and Doctor Beverley Crusher (the on-screen mother of Wil Wheaton), in his closet before throwing the key out of the window, in order protect them from any improper sexual advances that he might visit upon them during his deranged mammary-induced 'pon farr'.

Avinger added:

Science has transformed me from a virtuous paladin of women's rights into the bestial tit-crazed monster who stands before you. I have written to both actresses and to all comic shops and Star Trek conventions in my local area urging them to take out permanent restraining orders against me.”

According to Professor Adams the study also yielded some unexpected results:

To our surprise the increase in misogyny was not exclusively confined to men. Female participants who were exposed to large breasts also began to exhibit hostility and contempt towards their own gender.”

Mary Earwood told MODE 5: “The experiment awakened the usually-dormant male side of my personality who, of course, immediately began oppressing me. In the aftermath I was horrified to find myself returning to the kitchen of my home and making myself a sandwich.

I am now suffering from PTSD and am constantly being triggered by the sight of my own breasts. The mere act of gazing down at my sizeable mammaries leaves me consumed with hatred for members of my own gender, Katie Hopkins in particular.

To atone for my rampant misogyny I have written an open letter of apology to Emmeline Pankhurst which is to be published on the Comments Are Closed section of The Guardian website.”

As debate rages over the future of large-breasted women in videogames, according to Professor Adams there is only one decisive course of action to be taken:

To save women from sexual discrimination we must eliminate those within the gender who have wilfully sought to subvert the Platonic female form by growing disproportionately large breasts.

Just as our ancient Homo sapien ancestors drove our Neanderthal cousins to extinction, so too must all those who oppose the oppression of the female gender seek to drive the scourge of busty women from videogaming.”

At the time of writing the social justice community appeared divided over the appropriate representation of breasts in the hobby. While a consensus overwhelmingly favours smaller breasts, leaked chat logs have revealed a creepy, highly vocal minority who are demanding that flat-chested eight year old girls who look a bit like their cousins are better represented by games developers.

Among the critics of the study is noted sci-fi author Joel Meer, whose Sun Harpists of Dahl trilogy is regarded as a thinly veiled satire of Adams' Utopian ideals. In a Skype conversation he told MODE 5:

My main concern is whether the arbiter of what constitutes a large-breasted woman should be a bald, russet-bearded man who resembles the kind of west country farmer who might sell flagons of rough home-made apple cider to groups of over-excited teenage boys on weekend camping trips in Dorset.”

Evolutionary biologist, Doctor Maximilian Kline points out that if Adam's recommendations were to be acted upon they might dramatically alter the development of the human race:

It is possible that women in the future will evolve smaller breasts so that they are able to continue to participate in videogaming and find a mate within the internet-based communities that crystallise around the hobby, which my teenage nephew, Michael, assures me are total online fuck fests.

If that were to be the case then heterosexual women with large chests may find themselves with limited opportunities to breed and a poor choice of potential partners, having been denied access to the pool of alpha males who, if my research is correct, can be found congregating on the secret forums belonging to the Serenity Guild in World of Warcraft.”

Despite naysayers Adam's study has been warmly welcomed by the mainstream media:

The social commentator, Penny Dreadful, who describes herself as among the most intelligent human beings ever to have walked the earth, said:

What this study proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is that men are constantly manhandling women's breasts with their eyes, while at the same time telling these woman to 'stop oppressing yourself'. Unfortunately this is true even of men like George Orwell and the founder of the NHS - Aneurin Bevan. I think this eloquently proves the point that I was making, whatever that point may be.”

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

(SATIRE) “Donate to my Patreon” set to enter The Oxford English Dictionary of Phrases

Donate to my Patreon” is to be formally inducted into the Oxford English Dictionary of Phrases, thereby entering the official lexicon of proverbs and maxims that have contributed to the shaping of western civilisation.

The phrase refers to an online service where users can solicit regular, or one-off, donations to fund social-mobility-driven projects such as living in one of the nicer parts of San Francisco while being unemployed and unemployable.

It will join other culturally defining phrases like “Make do and mend”, “We will fight them on the beaches”, “Go to work on an egg”, “Greed is good” and “Talk to the hand”.

Historian Derek Smiter told MODE 5: “Every generation tends to accumulate these stock phrases that serve as pithy snapshots of our social mindset at a given moment in time. They also make good chapter subtitles in the best selling books that accompany my BAFTA award winning TV programmes.

Unfortunately over the past century there has been a steady dilution in quality, from the chin-up defiance of the war years, to the chipper self-improvement of the 1960s and 70s, to the narcissism of the 1980s and 90s, to this latest bottom of the barrel embarrassment from our least greatest generation - a barrel that having been scraped clean will no doubt be used, in lieu of a proper plate, to serve a de-constructed Shepherds Pie at some ghastly new Shoreditch eatery.

The very existance of the phrase 'donate to my Patreon' should be construed as a tacit admission of the failure of Western civilisation, not from any external pressures, but as a result of seeds that were sown in the 4th centruy BC by those original bearded hipsters – the ancient Greeks.

At least the dinosaurs were allowed to die out with dignity. I don't care what those social justice revisionists at The London Museum of Natural History say: There is no definitive proof that triceratops ever sported a bright blue Mohawk and cut-off denim shorts, and fought with other dinosaurs to promote lesbian causes.”

Attempts by MODE 5 to contact Patreon users for comment via their iWatches and the heads-up displays of their Google Glass have been unsuccessful. However at the time of publication 7 new Patreons had been launched, all requesting donations to fund designs for lines of clothing bearing the slogan “Least Greatest Generation.”

Sunday, 6 September 2015

(SATIRE/HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM) GamerGate teeters on the brink of civil war as cracks appear in the KIA / Yiannopoulos alliance

Metaphorical vultures with turquoise plumage, raucously cawing “Muh feels”, have been spotted circling the allegorical GamerGate encampment this morning, borne aloft on the figurative updrafts of an emblematic column of smoke that symbolically twisted itself into the Mandarin characters for 'betrayal' and 'spilled salt'.

These quiet scenes came in the aftermath of catty exchanges that erupted from within the camp during the small hours of Sunday. The altercation is thought to have resulted from an internal rift that has developed between the predominantly left-wing, rag-tag, pro-GamerGate guerilla forces of the KIA and their better-armed conservative allies, commanded by the platinum-blonde man of letters and amateur penis enthusiast, Milo Yiannopoulos.

An eye witness who watched the skirmish from a nearby molehill, which had been illustratively bulldozed to form a small mountain, said:

This was not the normal rampant sexual tension that one sees when people from vastly different political persuasions argue at full tilt, and which is usually resolved by all parties feverishly grinding their exposed genitals against each other in a cathartic last-ditch attempt to sexually unify the disparate ideals of the left and the right.

I can say with outright certainty that last night nobody fucked and everyone walked away from the encounter feeling kind of shitty.”

The mood among GamerGaters this morning has been described by one insider as “downbeat and philosophical.”

War draws together strange bedfellows,” said Michael Prior – a battle-hardened lieutenant in the 9th Brony Cavalry. “When one is figuratively clothed in the Doritos-stained ermine robes of a Shit Lord it is easy to forget that Milo is actually Grand Marquis of the Home Counties, and that there is a mural in the nave of Westminster Abbey commemorating the occasion when his ancestors drove the poor out of Buckinghamshire.”

GamerGater, Alexander Marks, is one of many in the movement who has struggled to reconcile his left wing politics with the right wing ideals represented by Yiannopoulos.

I was well aware that Milo wrote for Breitbart – an online outlet for right wing rhetoric, and that, in their conservative utopia, the best that someone like me could hope for would be the life of an indentured servant tasked with ironing the trousers of one of my social betters. To reconcile this alliance with my liberal leanings I convinced myself that Breitbart was the name of a charity that took children with learning disabilities on day trips to the seaside in gaily coloured mini-buses.”

Meanwhile it has been business as usual in the Yiannopoulos camp. Graham Rutter who runs the popular blog - Milowatch - told MODE 5:

Last night Milo declared himself emperor of Old Brompton and later demanded that someone feed him olives and champagne cocktails while he reclined on a chaise longue. Since he generally issues decrees of this nature several times daily, one should not read too much into these comments.

He later tweeted an image of his evening meal – some kind of a game bird that had previously been shot by a man dressed in a tweed jacket, before being allowed to hang for several weeks in the pantry of a country mansion that had once belonged to King Henry VIII.”

The image drew outrage from some within GamerGate:

I had tinned spaghetti on toast for my tea and, having seen the opulent banquet laid out before Milo, ended up spilling most of it,” said mother of two, Sally Martin.

Twitter user, ScrappyDoo_H8_fuc, took advantage of a software failure on the social media platform, that allowed users to make posts in excess of the usual 180 characters, to issue the following rant:

The 24 carat gold shotgun pellets used to bring down the phoenix that Milo had liberally doused in brandy and flambéed, before eating the resurrected phoenix that emerged from the ashes, cost more than the PC rig that I am currently using to run Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and only slightly less than the total sum that I have spent thus far on Pokémon figurines in the 2015/2016 financial year. I now realise that this man, who I once fought alongside against the forces of social justice, is a monster and must be stopped at all costs.”

While anti-GamerGate forces have interpreted the strain in the KIA / Yiannopoulos alliance as a sign that the movement is on the verge of collapse, many commentators see this as a passing blip in an otherwise solid relationship.

Malcolm Peepholes – a former ROFLcopter pilot in the chan wars who MODE 5 regularly consults on military matters – vigorously stirred his tea until the contents of the mug resembled a metaphorical storm, before observing:

I predict that this will all blow over very quickly. By the end of the week everybody will friends again and we can all get down to the important business of reading the archives of Sarah Nyberg's creepy chat-logs through spread fingers.”