GamerGate
/ SJW Christmas Day ceasefire is shattered by blue turtle shell
Christmas
morning: Forces allied to GamerGate and the opposing People's Militia
for Social Justice (PMSJ) temporarily ceased hostilities and
abandoned their heavily fortified positions to rendezvous in no-man's
land for a lively game of Mario Kart 8 on the Nintendo Wii U.
Figures
from both sides loomed towards each other in the fog, on a
battlefield strewn with dismembered careers, deactivated Twitter
accounts, and incomplete, long over-due crowdfunded games, meeting
face-to-face for the first time in the festive spirit of friendship
and reconciliation. Calls of “Shitlord!” and “Crybully!”
that only hours before had been spat from mouths with genuine
vitriol, were re-purposed as gently mocking terms of endearment, as
once bitter enemies embraced as brothers, sisters and (insert the
pseudo-identity of your choice here:
________________________________________ ).
Steve
Watson – a Lieutenant in the Queen's 12th Menemist
Brigade, who took part in the Mario Kart tournament, said:
“The
game was less triggering than I had initially thought it would be,
although the racing physics are clearly skewed in favour of
cis-gendered, white, heterosexual males like myself. Also I did not
appreciate the joypad controls being mansplained to me.”
Away from
the frenetic virtual go-karting, the mood grew philosophical as
combatants on both sides ruefully took note of the common ground they
shared with their enemy:
“We two
are not so different...” mused Emmaline Kaufman, a student
protestor from Oberlin College. “...Me – a Social Justice Shield
Maiden - with my blue mohawk, my mattress shield that I carry
everywhere like a Spartan warrior, my small income funded entirely from donations to my Patreon account, and my self-diagnosed, made-up
neuroses which are slowly congealing into a serious mental illness
that will negatively define the latter decades of my life. And you –
a GamerGater - with your rational arguments, stylish and sensible
clothing, stable career in one of the STEM fields, and sophisticated
bearing that gives you an air of understated worldliness and
confidence.”
Gamergaters
were quick to apologise for behaviour that had been labelled by their
battlefield opponents as violent and sexually aggressive war crimes.
Colonel
Alan Cooper told SJW sniper Darla Lamb:
“Now see
here, old girl. Dashed sorry and all that if it looked like I was
stare raping you earlier when I was scouting out your position.
Orders from the top I'm afraid.”
Lamb, who
had taken to Twitter to complain at length that she had been forcibly
penetrated by Cooper's male gaze, bolstered by a pair of binoculars
or “rape glasses”, graciously acquiesced:
“Deep
down I knew that Colonel Cooper wasn't eyeing me as anything other
than an enemy soldier to be dispatched from the battlefield at the
earliest opportunity. All that concerned him was the head shot. He
cared nothing for my provocatively exposed breasts and vagina.”
The
ceasefire ended abruptly when a blue turtle shell was hurled into the
crowd by an unknown party, scattering GamerGaters and SJWs across the
battlefield, and provoking a hasty retreat by both sides to their
previously held positions.
In the
aftermath soldiers in both camps have pointed the finger of blame at
their opponents, with each claiming that, when the attack took place,
they were in the lead of a decisive Mario Kart race that would have
determined, once and for all, the identity of the Eternal Emperor of
Christmas.
Rebeka
Polin – a private in the Progressive Reserves - who was caught in
the blast, said:
“I
looked up and saw death bearing down upon me on ragged black wings,
its protective shell a weaponised safe space, bluer than the dyed fur
of Randi Harper's dog, and bristling with horns that, from a
distance, resembled bone carvings of erect penises. I will be writing
to the commanding officers of Gamergate demanding that the troops who
perpetrated this cowardly attack are dishonourably discharged at
once.”
A
spokesperson for GamerGate responded: “We are the true and deserved
winners of the Mario Kart 2015 festive trophy and the rightful
Emperors of Christmas. If the SJWs fall back on their usual dirty
tactic of writing to our employers in an attempt to get us fired, we
will retaliate in the most aggressive manner available to us: By
meticulously dissecting and analysing their letters of complaint,
sentence by sentence, during a rambling 8-hour live stream that will
be watched by 12 people.
UN
observer Lars Wuenschell said:
“Those
who are allied to GamerGate say that their ideological opposites
cannot function in a meritocracy. Those on the progressive side
accuse their opponents of being white, cis-gendered fuckboys. Both
sides make valid points.
“I feel
that, in this case, neither one is to blame. There
is a small community of trolls living underneath a bridge close to
the battlefield who I think may have been responsible for throwing
the turtle shell. I have written a report on the matter and have
saved it to the C drive of my computer. I will email the link to
you.”
Josh
McIntosh: Lump of coal in Christmas stocking for the 11th
year running is problematic
Feminist
Frequency svengali, Josh McIntosh, has received a lump of coal in his
Christmas stocking for the 11th year running.
The
fist-sized nugget of fossilised carbon, which geologists believe was
extracted from the Haerwusu Coal Mine, in the Inner Mongolia
Autonomous Region of China, was inserted into a yellow,
cross-gartered stocking, found hanging from a small hook at the foot
of McIntosh's bed.
Christmas
experts say that McIntosh, who is regarded as a key figure on the
authoritarian left, last received a proper festive gift in December
2004, when a deputised mall Santa presented him with a tangerine and
a Bratz dolls flashback set.
Although
the contents of Santa Prime's naughty list are not made public, it is
widely believed that McIntosh's name was added following a letter
that he wrote to the red-suited Christmas patriarch early in 2005, in
which he denounced the Bratz trademark as a socially regressive
sexual assault on the hard won achievements of third-wave feminism.
Petra
Coleman – a retired elf who now runs a wrapping paper recycling
business in Pitsea – said:
“Once
you get on the wrong side of Santa, you are pretty much dead to him.
He won't come after you or anything like that, but let me put it this
way: If you were on fire he would wait until you were dead before
pissing on the flames.”
Earlier
this morning an aggrieved McIntosh took to various online social
media platforms to condemn the gift, but saved his harshest words for
his Tumblr blog:
“I make
a point of not hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve, as I have no
desire to engage with the patriarchal figure of Santa Claus, whose
blotchy, corpulent body is so steeped in toxic hyper-masculinity that
no amount of cinnamon and cloves can conceal the repellent odour.
“It
appears that contrary to my wishes, on the night of December 24th,
Santa Claus entered my home by stealth and drilled a tiny hole in my
bedstead, into which he inserted a brass hook, upon which he hung one
of my best stockings. As a final disrespectful act he inserted a lump
of a coal, that he had previously wrapped in festive paper and tied
with a ribbon bow, into the toe of the stocking for me to find on
Christmas morning.”
McIntosh,
who suffers from a rare condition that leaves him incapable of
expressing glad tidings of comfort and joy, continued:
“It is
not just the identity of the gift-giver that I find problematic. It's
the nature of the gift itself: Coal mining is a male-dominated
profession that has doggedly refused to accept the innovation and
advice offered by Twitter feminists from the faraway comfort of the
nearest coffee shop with free wi-fi.
“Furthermore,
in an era of global warming, where coal is considered to be among the
worst pollutants, and where we should be encouraging nations and
individuals alike to reduce their over-reliance on our diminishing
supplies of fossil fuel, one lump of coal, per naughty person, per
year, adds up to millions of tons being needlessly mined at the
expense of the environment.
“My
colleague Anita [Anita Sarkeesian runs Feminist Frequency with
McIntosh] has suggested that I send the coal to a Swedish company who
will expose the nugget to pressures high enough to transform it into
a cultured diamond, which I should then give to her.
“Unfortunately
I have unable to the reliably establish the provenance of my lump of
coal and am completely in the dark in regard to whether it was mined
ethically. I could very easily be party to the transformation of a
piece of blood coal into a blood diamond, which is worse because
diamonds are more valuable.
“I am
also uncomfortable with the tradition of men giving diamonds to women
as a means of purchasing their lifelong servitude.”
“When I
raised these concerns with Anita, she assured me that, on this
occasion, she had absolutely no problem with any of it, and that I
should give her the diamond, or its equivalent value in newly-minted,
non-consecutive dollar bills at my earliest opportunity, so she can
travel to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and spend the money on helping
victims of online harassment.”
Santa's
list has become a popular target for criticism by commentators from
across the political spectrum. Breitbart media popinjay, Milo
Yiannopoulos, who, according to sources close to MODE 5, has recently
been linked to a lucrative new position as Buzzfeed Social Justice
Editor, cites the compilation of the naughty list as one of “the
great untold scandals of our modern era:”
“In
recent years, the criteria used to determine who has been naughty
over the previous 12 months has noticeably shifted in favour of
girls. According to figures released by Santa in early 2015, 90% of
the names on the list belonged to boys, all of whom received coal,
while girls were gifted ponies and Apple products.
“Santa
has fallen prey to a vicious streak of institutionalised misandry
that has taken root in our culture. He is guilty of holding boys to
the same behaviour standards as girls, while failing to take into
account the rambunctious nature of the male gender.”
Commenting
on McIntosh's unwanted gift of coal, Yiannopoulos said:
“Naturally
I would be delighted if Santa chose to give me something hard and
black, although frankly anything that will fit comfortably into a
stocking will be of little practical use. If Santa would like leave
me something big and black on my bed, or, if not there, then bent
over one of the soft furnishings, or perhaps waiting for me in the
shower...”
At this
point the journalist made his apologies and left in a hurry,
remarking that there was something that he needed to urgently check
on at home...”
Santa
Claus claims that the problem with the naughty list is rooted in an
inflated and undeserved sense of self-entitlement that has distorted
public expectations of what they can reasonably expect at Christmas:
“Not so
long ago the letters I received were almost exclusively from children
who would typically send me over-optimistic lists of toys that they
wanted. I would also get the odd saucy Polaroid from a lonely
housewife, often wrapped up in a pair of knickers.
“These
days I find myself overwhelmed by correspondence from the likes of
Zoe Quinn and her dreadful friends, providing me with the names of
people who they demand be added to the naughty list without the usual
due process. These people are always demanding things, or trying to
wheedle their way in through the back door; they never ask politely.
“Then
there is Brianna Wu who appeared on MSNBC yesterday claiming to have
fled her home in terror after she was told that I know where she
lives and whether she has been naughty or nice. For the record
Brianna, your conduct this year has been appalling.
“It's a
tough gig being Santa. I am seriously considering following Tim Hunt
to Japan.”
A MODE 5
reporter, who approached Feminist Frequency spokesperson Anita
Sarkeesian for comment, caught her in the act of deleting records of a
visit to SendMeSomeCoalRightNow.com from her internet browser.
“Josh is
okay, in a sanctimonious older brother kind of way,” she confided.
“Sometimes
it's just fun to fuck with his head.”
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