A Feminist Frequency
researcher investigating sexism in videogaming allegedly abandoned
the genetically engineered hitman, Agent 47, in a sleazy, dimly-lit
strip joint where he was over-charged for drinks and assaulted by
burly men in Tuxedos.
A spokesperson for the
International Contract Agency – a shadowy temping organisation that
employs killers for hire - said:
“It appears that Agent
47 was lured to the Vixen Club by a researcher working for Feminist
Frequency on the pretence of carrying out a hit on the joint's skeevy
owner, Dom Osmond. The researcher accompanied our agent to the
location of the hit but abandoned him soon after, leaving him
powerless to escape and vulnerable to exploitation and physical
assault by the club's staff.”
When asked by MODE 5 for
comment, Agent 47 told our reporter:
“I was approached by the
Agency to perform a hit on the owner of a strip joint. A clause in
the contract specified that my client would accompany me on the job
and would make notes on my performance as part of an assessment that
might possibly result in me being offered more work.
“Having arrived at the
Vixen Club my client spoke at length with a member of the floor
staff. After her enquires as to the location of the club's safe space
and the availability of Play Doh were dismissed as feeble attempts at
humour, and her request to be shown to the ball pit resulted in her
being given directions to a gay bar called 'The Bear Pit' across
town, she left abruptly mumbling something under her breath about the
patriarchy.
“I remained at the strip
club where I was approached by a woman who asked me whether I wanted
some company. At the time I was flattered by her romantic interest. Life can be lonely for a
hitman.
“Following 15 minutes of
dreary conversation I was presented with a bill charging me $800 for
two Bacardi and cokes. When I informed the club staff that I did not
have the money to pay for the drinks the demeanour of my female
companion changed. She told me that she would have to call Barry to
sort it out.
“While she was making
the call, two large men dressed in Tuxedos positioned themselves at
either end of the horseshoe-shaped booth where I was sitting, barring
my exit. Barry finally arrived and he was wider than the side of a
barn. Despite my best efforts I found myself unable to manoeuvre into a position where I could strangle him from behind with my
fibre wire. I was frog-marched by four Vixen Club bouncers to the
nearest cash machine and forced to withdraw and then handover $1000
from my bank account.”
Lawyer Ken Rosenberg who
is representing Agent 47 said:
“The whole contract
stinks of a set up: Prior to the hit, allegedly for reasons of
maintaining a credible cover story, it was requested that my client
sign up with the Ashley Madison dating agency for adulterers. He was
also asked to weaponise his penis so that it could fire a small
poison dart. On the night of the hit it was requested, again as part
of his cover story, that he wear a shirt similar in design to the one
that landed British scientist, Dr Matt Taylor, in trouble last year.
My client is an upstanding member of the hired killer community who
ordinarily would partake in none of these activities and who only did
so in the context of work out of a sense of professionalism.
“The outcome of this hit
has resulted in irreparable damage to my client's reputation. His
ranking at the Agency has dropped from 'silent assassin' to 'rube'.
Currently the only jobs he is being offered are hitman-o-grams where
he turns up at stag nights or birthday parties and pretends to
assassinate his target with a pair of nerf guns. Occasionally, as
part of the hit, he is also required to perform a striptease.”
A spokesperson for the
producers of Hitman: Absolution said: “We ask gamers who play our
Hitman titles to do so responsibly and to end their gaming sessions
in a manner that provides closure to Agent 47. It is not right to
just abandon him mid-level leaving him vulnerable to attack, or at
the mercy of the elements.”
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