(SATIRE) Social justice warriors retreat into works of fiction as conventional reality struggles to sustain their narratives

The narratives perpetuated by Anita Sarkeesian and other social justice warriors are now so implausible and convoluted that they can no longer be sustained in conventional reality.

This is according to a new £600,000 study conducted by The Norwich Institute of Made-Up Narrative Sciences.

Franklin Bazell – a tenured professor of Unreliable First-Person Narratives at the institute, who specialises in bogus narratives created between 1950 and 2050, told MODE 5:

“While a typical social justice narrative, such as you might find on Tumblr, can survive on paper in much the same way as one of M. C. Escher's impossible drawings, lifting these narratives into the real world places them in settings where even a fractional shift in perspective to the left or the right reveals their inherent absurdity. Some of the current social justice narratives are so tenuous in their credibility that they have half lives that can be measured in factions of seconds.

“A good recent example is Anita Sarkeesian's accidental inversion of Hans Christian Andersen's 'Emperor's New Clothes' fairytale, in which she admonishes the fictional grave robber and slayer of endangered species, Lara Croft, for dressing in inappropriately skimpy attire for Arctic climates. This is despite indisputable evidence that Croft probably owns more snow jackets than Anita does, and has never once flashed her cleavage at a polar bear.”

As reality becomes more and more inhospitable to Tumblr logic, social justice warriors have been sighted in increasing numbers inserting themselves into the plot-lines of prominent works of fiction where a more lax approach is often taken to logic and plausibility.

Henrietta Cloutier - a professor of Literary Migration Studies at Beaker College, Cambridge, said:

“The straitjacketed social justice mindset is a hindrance to creativity, making it difficult for people who subscribe to this way of thinking to come up with compelling stories of their own. Instead the trend has been towards social justice warriors entering frictional worlds created by more talented individuals and then attempting to recalibrate these environments to their own ends with the inclusion of word-free safe spaces and the removal of problematic words. Invariably the end result of this interference is the destruction of the host text which is reduced to a kind of verbal porridge. In a sense social justice warriors are entryists in much the same way as those wasps that lay their eggs inside living caterpillars.”

This week, students studying the Ernest Hemingway novel – The Old Man and the Sea for their English Literature A Levels were instructed to ignore any appearances in the text of the Feminist Frequency mouthpiece Josh McIntosh, after he apparently took up residence in the plot-line and declared squatter's rights.

In a recent comment made on the social media website - Twitter, McIntosh accuses the novel's protagonist – an elderly fisherman named Santiago – of doxxing the marlin with whom he is engaged in an epic struggle, stating:

“Marlin fishing and humility in the face of nature are the only real emotional expressions male protagonists are allowed in this story. Needless to say that's a toxic message for men.”

Another lengthy new passage in the novel, attributed to McIntosh, speculates that Santigo may be a fish-kin in denial, who is unable to accept his true piscine nature and who is therefore compelled to both fall in love with, and then kill, the marlin, which physically embodies his repressed desire to become a fish himself.

A spokesperson for the EDEXCEL Examination Board said:

“Hemingway never intended Josh McIntosh's petulant musings on other-kin or Batman to form any part of his Nobel Prize Winning story. Students should ignore these passages and cross them out neatly using a ruler and a red biro. We discourage students from goading McIntosh into further outbursts by drawing crude ejaculating penises next to his additions and amendments to the text, although we won't penalize you if you do.”

According to Cloutier it is unlikely that the social justice agitator will remain in the text for long:

“A person like Josh who favours florid pesudo-academic buzzwords will struggle to define himself in a world characterised by Hemingway's deliberately basic prose. It is likely that he will either leave the book of his own accord, or fall, or be pushed, into the sea where he will be consumed by fictional sharks which are much larger than normal sharks and have sharper teeth.”

Scholars of Hemingway have pointed to evidence suggesting that the novel's immune system is already preparing itself to oust interloper McIntosh, with Santiago pondering “I have never seen or heard of such a douchebag. But I must kill him,” while caressing a bloody improvised harpoon fashioned from a knife strapped to the handle of an oar.

Other notable proponents of social justice who have emigrated into works of fiction have also found themselves struggling to fit in. One prominent critic of the Gamergate movement who literally sought refuge within the pages of the Shakespearean play All's Well That Ends Well, has become the target of the bard's verbal gymnastics and is described by one character as:

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

Meanwhile at Hogwarts, Randi Harper was witnessed bemoaning her appointment to the house of Slytherin and subsequent removal to Azkaban prison.

In a blog post she boasted to her hangers on:

“Already I have learned two spells: 'Patreonous!' causes piles of money to appear in slowly diminishing sums. 'Problematicus!' summons an army of Twitter keyboard warriors and Guardian journalists. We plan to deliberately misconstrue an innocent comment made by Professor Dumbledore and us this to incite a hate mob who will demand his resignation and drink his male tears.”

According to Professor Bazell, the exodus by social justice warriors into the realm of fiction will probably be short-lived with even made-up settings unlikely to be able to support their demented narratives for more than a few weeks:

“Even that Mr Men book where Mr Silly visits Mr Nonsense and it rains custard would find its internal logic tested to destruction by a run of the mill utterance from the likes of Brianna Wu. I predict, six months from now, only the most vapid and ridiculous works of fiction will be able to support social justice narratives. I'm talking books like The Da Vinci Code and the 50 Shades trilogy."