Museums across the world
are removing from display exhibits dating back to the reign of the
ancient Mesopotamian ruler, Sargon
of
Akkad. The move comes after these
archaeological discoveries were found to infringe upon trademarks
owned by The Guardian newspaper.
Tonight, following the
purge, some museums were reporting a 60% reduction in the number of
objects in glass cases still left on display.
Brian Coldudder -
Custodian of the North Yorkshire Museum of Coal and Tin Bathtubs -
told MODE 5: “Sargon of Akkad memorabilia has been at the heart of
our public exhibit for well over two decades. My father curated
displays of found objects dating back to reign of the great emperor,
as did his father before him. I dare-say my son will follow in my
footsteps.
“With our Sargon of
Akkad collection gone, we're down to fragments of a Roman urn that
some boy scouts found in Leeds. We've got three school parties due to arrive tomorrow and nothing to show them. God only knows what we'll do if this isn't sorted
out.”
Meanwhile concerns have
been raised at the British Museum that a wing of the building devoted
to the ancient Mesopotamian ruler, might draw the attention of the
nominations committee for the Turner Prize for modern art, were it to
be emptied of its contents.
Museum curator, Cecil
Beaconthorpe-Grayling said:
“The
pretentious font of chin-stroking, BBC Culture Show arsery, that is
the Turner Prize committee, will nominate our empty museum wing for
their contemptuous modern art award over my perfectly-preserved
mummified body. I will cut every last one of their throats with a
ceremonial Phoenician elephant-gelding scythe before I allow it.”
Guardian online technology
journalist, Colin Oarful, has previously written articles citing
Sargon's actions in the battle of Uruk, in 2271BC, as being a key
factor in delaying the release of the iPhone 5. He said that he felt
compelled to bring legal action after a trademark he had registered
with the help of Guardian lawyers was breached by the emperor:
“The neatly-forked
facial hair depicted in the armoured cast of Sargon of Akkad's face
bears unmistakable similarities to a beard that I grew in 2014 and
subsequently trademarked to prevent other hipsters from copying me.
“I immediately flagged
this breach of copyright with the executive board at The Guardian and
threatened to walk out if they didn't take my complaint seriously.
They don't have Glenn Greenwald or Edward Snowden on board anymore to
lend them credibility, and so they had no choice other than to agree
to my absurd demands.”
Susan Hoopearings - Editor
of The Guardian Weekend Quinoa supplement - told MODE 5 that Oarful's
claim was just one of over 9000 copyright infringements made by
Sargon of Akkad, for which the paper was now seeking reparation:
“Of these the most
damning is Sargon's ethnic headgear which bears a strong resemblance
to an urban headdress that is currently being sold in the paper for
£400, or £789 for two.
“In addition, the
military campaigns conducted by Sargon of Akkad to subjugate the
so-called 'fertile crescent' of North-East Africa and Western Asia
bear striking similarities to a guided 7-day excursion in this region
that is available exclusively to readers of our paper for the bargain
sum of £8275 plus VAT.
“We will not stand idly
by while some upstart military ruler from 22BC drags the good name of
The Guardian through the mud. We employ trained journalists to do that.”
Guardian reader and
distant descendent of Sargon of Akkad, Graham Robb, said: “I am of
course well aware that large parts of The Guardian are written
exclusively by imbeciles – The same can be said of any newspaper,
and I do like the Cook pull-out in the Saturday edition.”
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